Fr. Pax: Where is Brother Vector?
Mrs. Omnisapientia [secretary]: Out walking the dog, Father.
Fr. Pax [blinking]: Is that a new urban euphemism?
Mrs. Omnia: No, Father. His brother and sister took their parents to the art festival, and Br. Vector is taking care of the dog while everyone is out-of-town.
Fr. Pax: Ah. Clarity returns. Thank you.
******** Continue reading
There’s a wonderful German term, Treppenwitze, which means the great retort, comment, or joke that you came up with… as you left the party and went down the stairs (die Treppe). I’m a master of that art. But every so often, my wits work on time.
I was standing in line at a fancy buffet dinner, one of those where they carve slices off a roast beast as you watch. The carver had finished with one slab-o-meat and was waiting for another to arrive, and so his carving board was bare.
Alma: Oh! [smiles with excitement, points to empty carving board] Is that the roasted unicorn loin?
Carver: [split second of hesitation, roar of laughter] Yes, Ma’am, it most certainly is.
I’m certain that exchange had nothing to do with the thick slice of roast with extra juice that appeared on my plate a few moments later.
The water cooler hates me. The big copier and I have a friendly neutrality at the moment, but the water cooler hates me.
The first time I tried to change an empty water bottle, it attacked me. Continue reading
What do you mean, you need to extend your extension?
Due to a case of Day Job, today’s post will be tomorrow.
And so the science department doesn’t feel left out:
It’s not Tay’s fault that he looks like a stuffed animal. Really.
Tay sniffed his new soft-sided carrier. “I didn’t think this was what you meant.”
Lelia folded her arms. Didn’t he like it? She’d put hours of work into it. “What do you mean? You wanted grey, red, and cobalt.”
He sniffed some more, then peered inside. “What?” He disappeared, the cylindrical bag wobbled back and forth, and the top opened just beside the upper handle. Tay stuck his head out. “Oh!”
“And the front opens from inside as well.” Lelia heard the sound of hook-and-loop tape pulling apart, and Tay’s tail emerged from the back of the carrier. “The flap is to keep your fur out of the hook part.” Continue reading
All of you who have sung or who do sing in a church choir know what I’m talking about. Those days when the minister of music, choir director, or other person in charge of vocal music in worship lets it be known that nothing short of vocal-cord paralysis (with a doctor’s note) or death (yours, and provide proper paperwork) had better keep you home. Or Else.
I should have known things were going too well…
So there I was, trying to be a good teacher and get all my copies done before Monday at 0745, or before “I have to have 60 copies on custom paper stapled on the right corner in three minutes!” I fanned the pages so they would not stick together, I selected the proper parameters, staple, collate, number of copies, and hit “Start.” Then I stepped back, checked my in-box, refilled the water in the little coffee maker, and sipped my soda pop.
The copier chirped, and I retrieved the pages. They were not stapled together. The middle page was missing.
Huh. I looked at the command screen on the copier, looked at the copies, and heard the machine giggling.
I’d forgotten that I needed to select two-side to two-side, not one-side to two-side, as I usually do. And I have no idea why it refused to staple.
Just to rub the folly in, the copier wrinkled half the middle pages that it copied, and I had to hand staple everything. And re-load the stapler.
So That’s what that Sound Was!