Feline Geometry

I am convinced that cats understand spatial geometry. Yes, I know, I’m probably projecting and anthropomorphizing house cats again, and attributing to malice what can be explained by coincidence. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m waking up with cat cramps.

Cat cramps are leg and arm cramps caused by lack of motion during sleep. The lack of motion is, in turn, caused by the presence and mass of a domesticated feline laying on or against the afflicted limb for an extended period of time and preventing it from moving. Or by said feline taking over such a large swath of the bed that the human sleeps hunched up, leading to cramps.

Thus far, I am 4 out of 4 with house cats that take their half out of the middle, or get into the exact position to keep me from rolling over, leading to cat cramps. And then they fuss when I wake up going “ow, ow, cramp, must move, ow.” You would think that a smaller cat would use less bed, but that is not necessarily true. Athena gleefully maneuvers me into 1/2 of the mattress, even though she is less than half the size of Gigancat.

Athena in particular likes to jump onto the bed at 0230 or so, and firmly throw herself against my ribcage, front or back depends on her mood, and pin me in place. I wake up an hour or so later with a numb arm and a hot spot where she is curled up, leaning her weight against me.

Or, just to mix things up, she’ll start at the foot of the bed, and creep up, and up, and up, until I wake up with a leg cramp, curled into a ball on half the length of the mattress, with Athena pushing on my shins.

They know. I am convinced that cats spend their afternoons calculating the surface area of furnishings in order to determine where best to sit, nap, or sleep, in order to cause the most disruption to human activity and thus remind the two foots of their proper place in the world.

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4 thoughts on “Feline Geometry

  1. I took care of the cat for a few months while my parents were in the process of relocating. Whiskers would intermittently decide to sleep on my chest. I’m not sure what was freakier – waking up with the weight on my chest, or opening my eyes to the blurry sight of a large cat inches away from my face. I think I might have preferred having space on the bed stolen, but I can’t swear to it.

    • Gigancat did that once. I can toss a 22 lb cat rather far if I’m startled. He landed safely, but opted to sleep elsewhere after that (actually slept in his oversize cat carrier.)

  2. Meh, you’re too kind to the cats… It IS your bed, you can move them (purposely or inadvertently). I’m a restless sleeper, and cats and dogs tend to avoid my bed…LOL

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