If Someone Died and Made Me Boss . . .

Probably because of the pending 4th of July festivities, partly because of the Brexit, partly because of the “scuffle” in Sacramento this past weekend, I started to daydream about what the country would look like if – all known and unknown deities forbid – the SMOD, Yellowstone Volcano, a plague of Rodents of Unusual Size, and other things struck and my legions of flying monkeys and I were left in charge of the world.

  1. Everyone would pay a flat 10% income tax. No exemptions, no deductions, if you are over age 16 and you earn money, you pay 10%. If you are in the military there is a drop to 5% while on active duty and 8% while in the reserves. In exchange you get a Taxpayer Card or certificate showing that you have paid in full and are eligible to vote and to participate in such things as Judicial Tomatoing.
  2. All corporations and businesses pay 5% of gross to the government. Doesn’t matter if you are GE or Ford or Rosa’s Traveling Tamale Trailer and Gumbo Bar, you pay 5% of gross.
  3. All government functions will be considered up for elimination. Any cabinet position instituted after 1900 is out automatically, and then we start trimming further.
  4. All federal lands will be slowly returned to the states, provided the states can develop well thought out ways to manage the natural resources and keep up the National Parks, battlefields, and Monuments. Until then the lands will be managed for the good of the country, including allowing resource exploitation. Egregious wasters of said resources will be prosecuted, fined, and subject to Judicial Tomatoing as well as having to work by hand to make good what they fouled up. Like, oh, planting trees, cleaning up watersheds from excessive sediment run off, scattering petroleum-eating bacteria from a small boat that they rowed to the site. They will be filmed as they work off their sentence and Taxpayers can pay to watch and add commentary, as well as to point out missed spots and slacking.
  5. The next person to peg the jargon meter with things like, “The purpose of my department is to empower previously underserved and marginalized communities to self-actualize and—” or “The proposed weapons platform not only optimizes environmental awareness but also facilitates faster delivery of the proposed ordinance package, tailored for—” will be fed to the Rodents of Unusual Size.
  6. Public officials who offend common sense, rules of decency, and/or commit minor thefts and embezzlement will be subject to Judicial Tomatoing. They will be put in cages surrounded by cameras in the public square. Any taxpayer who wishes to participate may present their ID and Taxpayer Certificate to the police on duty and pick up two or three pieces of overripe produce, fruit or veg, and hurl them at the guilty party. If the person who was abused or who brought the case against the official wishes to take up donations to buy more produce than the government provides, they are welcome to do so, so long as said produce is soft and smelly. Is this cruel? Maybe. Is it unusual? Not at first, but I suspect the need for Judicial Tomatoing will quickly fade away.






13 thoughts on “If Someone Died and Made Me Boss . . .

  1. I have a problem with #4 because in my opinion most of the National Parks/Monument Areas should not be “kept up” but should be returned to standard Forest Service/BLM/State equivalent management.

    Oh and you misspelled undeserved in #5

    • No, “underserved” is a recent sociology and activism term. it means poor minorities. You’ll see a lot of academic job ads today that want to know how the applicant will “reach out to members of previously underserved communities.”

      By “kept up” I was thinking 1) not stripped like starving locusts have been through (you know, what urban coastal activists think loggers and miners do to the “pristine environment”) and 2) not ignore and let go feral until disaster strikes.

  2. As far as Brexit goes; if I hear/read one more person say it wasn’t really democratic, because the majority of people didn’t care enough to bother to go vote… well I’m not really sure what I’ll do, but it won’t be pleasant.

    Could somebody please tell when and in what country was the last time that the majority of eligible voters actually voted in an election? Should we nullify the results of all elections where the majority of eligible voters don’t bother to vote?

    • I don’t know, but if 70% of the eligible voters in the US turned out, as they did in Britain, I’d call it pretty decisive.

    • “Could somebody please tell when and in what country was the last time that the majority of eligible voters actually voted in an election?”

      According to my foster sister in Western Australia, they are required by law to vote, or show reason why they cannot. They have near 100% voter participation.

      • I was once told the story about a county officeholder of one party was re-elected over and over and over and it got to the point the other party all but gave up on the office. Then that officeholder died, and the other party won it… but they did so by name recognition. They managed to find someone to run with the same name as the former officeholder.

  3. Two comments- And let burn naturally… Especially the national parks! The other, is you need to add tar and feathering for egregious violators… 🙂

  4. On #5, your jargon meter needs recalibrated. Those examples make more sense than much of what gets put out by my colleagues. Try something like, “By capitalizing on long-standing dynamic relationships, the project’s implementing partner will further leverage opportunities to expand vital outreach to marginalized and stigmatized communities, seeking to mainstream them, thereby actualizing and empowering their unique voices to be heard as part of a dynamic, pluralistic society.”

    • You win. 🙂 I was tired and didn’t feel up to plumbing (trawling?) the depths of edu-canto. Which may be why, out of spite, the Fates sent me an invitation to join the Texas State Teachers’ Union today.

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