Dear Car Dude,

  1. Do not ask what I’m looking for, listen, then point me at the largest, most accessorized behemoth in the showroom. It’s the wrong model, the wrong color, with the wrong style, and too much froo-froo.

  1. Please specify that “older body style” means “used,” not “remains of last year’s model that we’re trying to sell.”
  2. And then take me over to see five vehicles in the exact colors and body styles I told you I don’t want. Even the one with roo lights and the super fancy bumper and mag wheels. I said no froo-froo. (At least it lacked truck nutz.)
  3. And then trot me across the lot to see the make and model I AM interested in . . . in the exact wrong colors. With too many electronics. I do not want a latte frother, HAL’s third cousin navigation system, blue, green, or yellow tooth, or in-seat massage and heated steering wheel. Or chrome on the outside.
  4. I told you I want the most basic, frill-free, no GPS, non-talking, full-bed work-truck. Not an SUV with delusions of utility!
  5. While metaphorically patting me on the head.

What I really, really want is the old truck back, repaired, with no additional trim or accessories. (OK, and maybe without the built-in short in the sound system). I found one used version of mine, BUT it is only 2 wheel drive, and the interior has an odd smell (on a chilly day) that suggests someone’s dog spent a “wee bit” too much time in the back of the cab.

The replacement truck should be here by Epiphany. It is NOT midnight black or candy-apple red. It has the minimal amount of electronic fluff. Except for the back-up camera that now projects into the middle of the *&%$ console instead of onto the rear-view mirror. “Federal safety requirement,” my @&&. I have to look down to see the image as I’m backing, rather than having it in the rear-view mirror? And the sound and environmental controls are below the screen (yet more down looking). Thpppth.

At this rate, I may be looking to import a Hi-Lux just to get a basic, small, no-frills vehicle. Although the mount for the machine gun can stay. I’ll work around it when I’m hauling plywood.



2 thoughts on “Dear Car Dude,

  1. I feel your pain. What about the phrase, “I don’t want any unnecessary electronic garbage,” translates into car salesmanese as, “show me the iTruck package?”

    • I think they plug some of the younger guys in at night for a data-patch download, and they never recover. The mental processor converts everything into “She wants the LED version with 8 Terabytes of RAM*!” (And that’s just for opening the [truly useless] owner’s manual.)

      *Dodge jokes optional

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