Dear Crook: A Public Service Announcement

To whom it may concern:

I am appalled by the low-quality phishing and fraudulent e-mail filling my inbox. You are not going to get my funds or personal information unless you improve the quality of your work. To wit:

1) I am as likely to respond to broken English as I am to a supposed Brit using American slang. Especially if it comes from the keyboard of someone who is purportedly the head of an international bank in Kuala Lumpur.

2) Keep track of which official you are impersonating. I highly doubt John Ashcroft is still in office with the US government, nor that his e-mail to me about funds being held for me by the Department of Homeland Security has been caught in traffic this long.

3) Pick country besides Nigeria or Singapore or Ireland.

4) When borrowing a corporate logo, use the correct colors with the design. Hint, hint, Federal Express’s logo is generally not done in brown and white. Nor does the Royal Bank of Scotland use crimson and gold. And trying to get me to click on a link to Northern Rock was just mean, although I give you points for a sense of irony.

5) There are far fewer princes in Africa than there used to be. Try again.

6) If your spouse was a missionary, you’d better spell the name of the religious denomination correctly or no one will take you seriously.

Thank you and have a nice day.

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